I like it when I don't have to say anything and I can just smile. It
makes my life so much easier, and is much more effective also.
Effective, like gets across the meaning or understanding better than
words could. Especially fumbling over words. Not that I fumble my words.
Often. I definitely don't often. Sometimes though I do. Usually if
someone makes me nervous.. but even rarely then. But mostly I prefer
smiling cos too often, I don't necessarily have anything to say to
people who appear to have something to say to me. People use too many
words anyway. I do too. But it's usually in fewer increm
ents, like I say
a lot - but infrequently. Anyway, I noticed it a while ago. How easy it
was for me to smile and get away with saying nothing. It's so safe... I
can't believe I hadn't thought of it sooner... Plus it's so much nicer
to do.. It's more sincere... while at the same time kind of totally not. Does that mean it only appears sincere, and may totally not be? Or
does it mean it can be both sincere AND insincere depending on the
context or inspiration for the smile. Can a smile ever be insincere? A real smile?? ( which mine almost always are) Not like the Joker smile.
But a real smile... Anyway, I noticed I don't smile very much here..
people don't look me in the eye all that much. They're preoccupied..
They're with people, they're stoned...I don't have to smile. I do anyway
though.. Sometimes, I smile for people even if they don't see me. If
they're looking away.. or if they're leaving and their backs already are turned to me. Maybe they can feel me.. maybe.. whatever. I'm sure
it doesn't go to waste. The smile, that is. Doesn't go to waste.. Plus
people have told me I should smile more. People who should know.. like
dentists.. and Oscar winning heartthrobs. Anyway.. I don't smile as
much here.. In the box.. the box is a good vantage point to see - but
not be seen.. Unless I shout. But I don't shout. I smile.. People are
preoccupied.. they don't notice me ... they don't pay me much
attention.. and don't need attention from me... They pay attention to
others, the screen, themselves. Not me .. that one guy, though.. that
quiet older guy.. he doesn't smile at me, but he notices me. He has
tender awkwardness .. .. I can tell he wants to smile.. or say
something.. But he doesn't. I smile at him.