Things are going well but I guess I didn’t tell you about the boyfriend I had before the guy with the big hands and the big thing. You know the one I just broke up with. Well, I don’t know what to say. I used to have a fiance. And it ended because we couldn’t talk to each other about what we were going to do with our lives. But I think that I’m still kind of in love and i really don’t want to be.
Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend. A lovely man with a big heart, big hands, and a big you know what. I did this because I had a restless soul. Tonight I had meaningless but exciting sex with my costar who has kind of a small you know what. I'm sure that this behavior is somehow self destructive. Well maybe that's the point. You have to destroy something to create something else. I'm not sure which bit I'm trying to destroy.
Today I was thinking about what there is left to do with life. I'm 30. So I've already tried all kinds a' drugs, had sex (with more than one person at a time), left my family home, and state, (thank God), fallen in love, had my heart broken (few times), had a few different jobs, travelled around... I can cook, I fight, I drive, I shoot, pole dance, play pool and darts. Bascially, I'm no longer innocent. It no longer excites me to put myself in some strange situation and just observe what happens. I don't have any kind of wide eyed vision of a world that's gonna take care of me. Not to say that I don't believe in goodness. But if goodness isn't there, I know that I'll still be just fine. So today, today I asked myself, what is the next level of experience? What idea of a potential future captures my imagination enough to inspire me to move on? And that's when I realized that before I die I want to be a famous actress and live in a big city and drink cocktails with the most powerful people in the world...
Don't get me wrong. I do want to get married and have kinds and settle down in one place for a long time. But first. I want to live my dream.